Wow, thank you Nathaniel for this condensed material (I am happy I started following you about 7 years ago), which came right in time for me. I am currently going through exactly the same phase of my life and experiencing those brutal emotions again and again.
I am a film composer and sound designer who is crushing his way to his freelance business. And it has been going very brutal already for a year and still will be going like that for quite a while for sure, because after pushing really hard and working on an incredible amount of marketing for my business it feels like I am still in the same place. Almost no clients, a moderate amount of replies and almost no gigs. During the last and this year, I came from making good-looking emails/messages to making high-quality video approaches that are customized to every client, where I touch their problem efficiently and call them by their name to show the dedication and professionalism I have towards my craft and towards them as a client. Finally, I made a meta ads campaign (and paid some cash from my savings) to advertise my services worldwide with a very good-looking video, but the clients and gigs are still not there.
I feel like the amount of work I have already done relative to what outcome I got is unfairly low and it gives me a HUGE amount of frustration. Everything I do feels useless. I got those feelings of giving up quite often. But every time I remind myself, that in life there is nothing "fair" and no one owes me any success after my efforts. Even if I die because of that. So, the victim mentality which you mentioned in your post is crawling on me again and again and the only correct way to deal with it, is to fight that bitch, as you said. The victim mentality simply does not help you in any way.
Do the job, face difficulties, live through your hard feelings, analyze, improve, repeat. I don't know if I am doing everything correctly, but I know that I am trying my best to find the best methods until fruits start to come. And I am confident that those efforts that accumulated over the years and months won't be useless, as nothing like that happens overnight. Ready to bite that rope with my teeth and get a "nice" ride through the mud of life again.
Archie – I appreciate your raw honesty about what you're going through, and though I do not wish upon you the feeling of struggle you have right now, I am both pleased to hear that you could relate to how I feel and also encouraged by your outlook. Perhaps the biggest thing you will have gained from this experience is not necessarily what you thought you were looking for, but a resilience within yourself that you didn't know you had.
Just moved into my first apartment with my girlfriend and we've got some lofty aspirations on our home aesthetics. Growing up I never learned a single thing about "handywork" or anything DIY. I've been blessed with some challenges that just.. don't have any shortcuts.
So many things in my life I've tried to "work smarter" to get around it but nothing except elbow grease is going to clean up a table I salvaged for our kitchen, or sand down and stain a shelf I want to put up. I can watch a million tutorials but ultimately I've got to figure out how to screw this damn hangboard on our wall.
Yet on the other side I'm feeling so confident after having to trudge through that valley of feeling like an idiot.
Ahh yes !! I feel that. It has taken me FOREVER to paint one single bedroom, I can't believe how time-consuming it has been. There are no shortcuts for things in life.
Good luck with the work. I guess we're both in it for the long haul.
Nobody is born knowing this stuff. We now have the advantage of YouTube and other online resources. It used to take more footwork to learn new things.
At some point for me something becomes a challenge, and I decide to stick with it until it's done. There is learning in the doing, and my understanding of techniques evolve while I am doing something new. Sometimes when I finish a task I learn that I wasted my time. But it is important to understand when I have come to a natural stopping point and to come back to it later, or that I don't yet have the knowledge to complete a task well, or that the task at hand is beyond my skill set and I need to get some one else to do it. Or that now is not the time. Resisting the urge for immediacy has always been one of my biggest challenges.
Yes, absolutely, same here! In the moment, I can get tunnel vision, but when I step back, it doesn't really matter if something takes longer than I expected it to.
I desperately want things to not take as long as they inevitably do. But the rewards for perseverance are worth it. You literally change your reality. It’s a beautiful process. Especially when you discover the hidden well of energy you described.
Well said, man. I'm working on my first book--and right now I am feeling this very much. Never finished a book before. Sometimes it drives me mad, but I know I'm onto something. And I know that it's totally worth it.
Have you heard the idea of rejection therapy? Or rather desensitization? I love the idea. Intentionally failing for the sake of failing--to slowly remove that fear of failure... imagine a life we'd life if that were the case!
Anyways, thanks for sharing! Loved the read about your rugs
I wonder if it's actually possible to become desensitized, because when you really want something, it always hurts when you don't get it. I'm not sure I care to become desensitized.
Thanks! I know you know how much of a struggle first books are…
That’s a really fair point. I would have to agree on the half of it. With the other half, I think it can be creatively beneficial to not be disappointed to the point of discouragement when something doesn’t turn out as you’d expected. For example, a restoration project, a photograph, a video, or a book. To be able to care just enough to keep trying and striving for perfection—but not so much as to give up when something doesn’t work.
These writings are like therapy for me right now. 😂
While I always appreciate the larger themes woven in, I constantly relate to the literal theme of restoring a house in the French countryside.
The line about "making peace with dirt" was the one today. Omg.
And spiders.
They were here before me, they will be here after me. But the spiderwebs are EVERYWHERE, constantly. I can't keep up.
Our French friends are like "oh that's wonderful, a sign of a healthy non-toxic home. But there was a massive one IN THE SHOWER WITH ME last week. 😰
I'd like to work out some kind of peace treaty.
But I still wouldn't change it when we wake up in the mornings to the trees and the birds. 🌄
We hosted 11 people, all with French friends we've made the past two years for Thankgiving and it was the first time I really thought "wow, this is home now". Hang in there! I loved the theme of how committing changes our ability to dig in and go the distance, im feeling that now too. Thanks. 😊
Omg, mesquites. I'm trying to negotiate with the spiders to weave webs across the window openings since there's no screens, maybe this is a natural solution for all of us??? 🤣
Awesome stuff, Nathaniel! Always great to be reminded that other, perfectly capable humans also run into walls and have to overcome the instinct to give up. Thank you for sharing, it made my day a bit better!
“In that mode, it’s suddenly a game, a game that can even sometimes be enjoyed”
Yesssss, I view hard things as a game too, a challenge to complete. I don’t consciously think that’s what I’m doing though, so thanks for putting words to this thought!
I had a chuckle at "no one would intentionally put themselves in that situation" when you were talking about overwhelm learning. I do it all the time it curbs my procrastination tendencies lol. The joys of country life is everything is harder and takes longer. (much like having to deal with the French government) There's also the deep satisfaction of completing tasks and the only thing you have control of most times is whether or not you're going to enjoy the process. Find one thing you enjoy about it or one thing that's beautiful and it will change your perspective on these menial tasks. I'd imagine if I spent over an hr cleaning rugs my mind would wander to who all the people were that contributed to the horde of dirt. What life has this rug lived? The last thing I wanted to comment on is when you feel like an "idiot" rephrase that in your mind to "I'm still learning" it will serve you well later in life when egos bruise easier and people stop trying new things. It makes me horribly sad for those people. I can't imagine not learning and doing new things.
Yes for some it's engrained through experience growing up. Others it's a culminating of external societal expectations. As we then take on these judgements for ourselves we compound them. Most times subconsciously we sabotage ourselves from these roots. We find ourselves like Pavlov's dog So it's important to be honest with ourselves and evaluate why we are doing or not doing things in our life instead of just listening for the bell to tell us what to do.
Michael Easter talks about something along these lines in his book “The Comfort Crisis”, it sort of comes down to not really grasping what we are capable of as humans but in reality humans are capable of pushing well beyond anything we can fully grasp until we are in it. Both mentally and physically. I read it a few years ago and it was fantastic, a lot of it stuck with me.
I am, at 32 years old, in the thick of/in the midst of this period of discomfort, this leap (or maybe I haven't even quite taken it just yet - but I'm definitely no longer where I once was). It feels weird, and really uncomfortable, and scary and makes me feel anxious. Like I'm on a boat floating out in the middle of the ocean, or walking in a foggy and sunlit forest.
(This leap I'm taking is being a content creator and writer, with a focus on mental health, anxiety, and self-empowerment/self-worth.)
And yet - this foggy place has taught me so much too, like how illusory (and human-made) societal time tables/timelines are (ex: get married by ~25, have kids by 28, buy a house by 30), the roots of my fears, and how to have faith in and trust myself. How to really dig deep, even when I'd thought I had dug the deepest there was to go. It's exactly as you say, that moment and mode of "[locking] in." It also reminded me of a really powerful memory that I haven't thought about in a little while: my trek up a mountain in Peru, at over 12,700 ft elevation, in the rain and mud and cold and snow. 99.9% of me wanted to give up, but there was .1% that told me to keep going. I listened, and I made it to the destination. It was such an incredible, near indescribable feeling, a rush. Thank you for bringing back that memory.
Wow, thank you Nathaniel for this condensed material (I am happy I started following you about 7 years ago), which came right in time for me. I am currently going through exactly the same phase of my life and experiencing those brutal emotions again and again.
I am a film composer and sound designer who is crushing his way to his freelance business. And it has been going very brutal already for a year and still will be going like that for quite a while for sure, because after pushing really hard and working on an incredible amount of marketing for my business it feels like I am still in the same place. Almost no clients, a moderate amount of replies and almost no gigs. During the last and this year, I came from making good-looking emails/messages to making high-quality video approaches that are customized to every client, where I touch their problem efficiently and call them by their name to show the dedication and professionalism I have towards my craft and towards them as a client. Finally, I made a meta ads campaign (and paid some cash from my savings) to advertise my services worldwide with a very good-looking video, but the clients and gigs are still not there.
I feel like the amount of work I have already done relative to what outcome I got is unfairly low and it gives me a HUGE amount of frustration. Everything I do feels useless. I got those feelings of giving up quite often. But every time I remind myself, that in life there is nothing "fair" and no one owes me any success after my efforts. Even if I die because of that. So, the victim mentality which you mentioned in your post is crawling on me again and again and the only correct way to deal with it, is to fight that bitch, as you said. The victim mentality simply does not help you in any way.
Do the job, face difficulties, live through your hard feelings, analyze, improve, repeat. I don't know if I am doing everything correctly, but I know that I am trying my best to find the best methods until fruits start to come. And I am confident that those efforts that accumulated over the years and months won't be useless, as nothing like that happens overnight. Ready to bite that rope with my teeth and get a "nice" ride through the mud of life again.
Archie – I appreciate your raw honesty about what you're going through, and though I do not wish upon you the feeling of struggle you have right now, I am both pleased to hear that you could relate to how I feel and also encouraged by your outlook. Perhaps the biggest thing you will have gained from this experience is not necessarily what you thought you were looking for, but a resilience within yourself that you didn't know you had.
Learning this same lesson in my life right now.
Just moved into my first apartment with my girlfriend and we've got some lofty aspirations on our home aesthetics. Growing up I never learned a single thing about "handywork" or anything DIY. I've been blessed with some challenges that just.. don't have any shortcuts.
So many things in my life I've tried to "work smarter" to get around it but nothing except elbow grease is going to clean up a table I salvaged for our kitchen, or sand down and stain a shelf I want to put up. I can watch a million tutorials but ultimately I've got to figure out how to screw this damn hangboard on our wall.
Yet on the other side I'm feeling so confident after having to trudge through that valley of feeling like an idiot.
Ahh yes !! I feel that. It has taken me FOREVER to paint one single bedroom, I can't believe how time-consuming it has been. There are no shortcuts for things in life.
Good luck with the work. I guess we're both in it for the long haul.
Nobody is born knowing this stuff. We now have the advantage of YouTube and other online resources. It used to take more footwork to learn new things.
At some point for me something becomes a challenge, and I decide to stick with it until it's done. There is learning in the doing, and my understanding of techniques evolve while I am doing something new. Sometimes when I finish a task I learn that I wasted my time. But it is important to understand when I have come to a natural stopping point and to come back to it later, or that I don't yet have the knowledge to complete a task well, or that the task at hand is beyond my skill set and I need to get some one else to do it. Or that now is not the time. Resisting the urge for immediacy has always been one of my biggest challenges.
Yes, absolutely, same here! In the moment, I can get tunnel vision, but when I step back, it doesn't really matter if something takes longer than I expected it to.
I desperately want things to not take as long as they inevitably do. But the rewards for perseverance are worth it. You literally change your reality. It’s a beautiful process. Especially when you discover the hidden well of energy you described.
Indeed!
Well said, man. I'm working on my first book--and right now I am feeling this very much. Never finished a book before. Sometimes it drives me mad, but I know I'm onto something. And I know that it's totally worth it.
Have you heard the idea of rejection therapy? Or rather desensitization? I love the idea. Intentionally failing for the sake of failing--to slowly remove that fear of failure... imagine a life we'd life if that were the case!
Anyways, thanks for sharing! Loved the read about your rugs
Good luck with the book!
I wonder if it's actually possible to become desensitized, because when you really want something, it always hurts when you don't get it. I'm not sure I care to become desensitized.
Thanks! I know you know how much of a struggle first books are…
That’s a really fair point. I would have to agree on the half of it. With the other half, I think it can be creatively beneficial to not be disappointed to the point of discouragement when something doesn’t turn out as you’d expected. For example, a restoration project, a photograph, a video, or a book. To be able to care just enough to keep trying and striving for perfection—but not so much as to give up when something doesn’t work.
Yeah I get it, it's a balancing act!!
Do like the music. Also really enjoy reading your column. I’m probably old enough to be your grandmother and can tell you the learning never stops🤪
And thank goodness too!
I also have to tame a new home at the moment and it feels so overwhelming and endless. You really spoke to my heart there.
Thank you for reading!
These writings are like therapy for me right now. 😂
While I always appreciate the larger themes woven in, I constantly relate to the literal theme of restoring a house in the French countryside.
The line about "making peace with dirt" was the one today. Omg.
And spiders.
They were here before me, they will be here after me. But the spiderwebs are EVERYWHERE, constantly. I can't keep up.
Our French friends are like "oh that's wonderful, a sign of a healthy non-toxic home. But there was a massive one IN THE SHOWER WITH ME last week. 😰
I'd like to work out some kind of peace treaty.
But I still wouldn't change it when we wake up in the mornings to the trees and the birds. 🌄
We hosted 11 people, all with French friends we've made the past two years for Thankgiving and it was the first time I really thought "wow, this is home now". Hang in there! I loved the theme of how committing changes our ability to dig in and go the distance, im feeling that now too. Thanks. 😊
Ahhh the spiders. I think one bit me on the nipple last night... not fun. I don't actually mind them that much though compared to the mosquitoes...
Omg, mesquites. I'm trying to negotiate with the spiders to weave webs across the window openings since there's no screens, maybe this is a natural solution for all of us??? 🤣
Awesome stuff, Nathaniel! Always great to be reminded that other, perfectly capable humans also run into walls and have to overcome the instinct to give up. Thank you for sharing, it made my day a bit better!
Oh yeah, I'm becoming a professional at this point in running into walls.
I felt like I have written it.
The self of mine that was wrestling with a coding project for hours yesterday just like you were with those mats.
Sometimes, giving up is the best option but most of the time sticking is.
Keep up the rawness!
Btw washing mats/carpets is really a tough job.
Cheers!!
Great lessons learned in this piece. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Thank you for reading, Marco.
“In that mode, it’s suddenly a game, a game that can even sometimes be enjoyed”
Yesssss, I view hard things as a game too, a challenge to complete. I don’t consciously think that’s what I’m doing though, so thanks for putting words to this thought!
I had a chuckle at "no one would intentionally put themselves in that situation" when you were talking about overwhelm learning. I do it all the time it curbs my procrastination tendencies lol. The joys of country life is everything is harder and takes longer. (much like having to deal with the French government) There's also the deep satisfaction of completing tasks and the only thing you have control of most times is whether or not you're going to enjoy the process. Find one thing you enjoy about it or one thing that's beautiful and it will change your perspective on these menial tasks. I'd imagine if I spent over an hr cleaning rugs my mind would wander to who all the people were that contributed to the horde of dirt. What life has this rug lived? The last thing I wanted to comment on is when you feel like an "idiot" rephrase that in your mind to "I'm still learning" it will serve you well later in life when egos bruise easier and people stop trying new things. It makes me horribly sad for those people. I can't imagine not learning and doing new things.
I'm going to have to write more about self-judgement because it's a rich theme in my life (and in the lives of so many, it seems).
Yes for some it's engrained through experience growing up. Others it's a culminating of external societal expectations. As we then take on these judgements for ourselves we compound them. Most times subconsciously we sabotage ourselves from these roots. We find ourselves like Pavlov's dog So it's important to be honest with ourselves and evaluate why we are doing or not doing things in our life instead of just listening for the bell to tell us what to do.
what is this mystical art of heels
Michael Easter talks about something along these lines in his book “The Comfort Crisis”, it sort of comes down to not really grasping what we are capable of as humans but in reality humans are capable of pushing well beyond anything we can fully grasp until we are in it. Both mentally and physically. I read it a few years ago and it was fantastic, a lot of it stuck with me.
I am, at 32 years old, in the thick of/in the midst of this period of discomfort, this leap (or maybe I haven't even quite taken it just yet - but I'm definitely no longer where I once was). It feels weird, and really uncomfortable, and scary and makes me feel anxious. Like I'm on a boat floating out in the middle of the ocean, or walking in a foggy and sunlit forest.
(This leap I'm taking is being a content creator and writer, with a focus on mental health, anxiety, and self-empowerment/self-worth.)
And yet - this foggy place has taught me so much too, like how illusory (and human-made) societal time tables/timelines are (ex: get married by ~25, have kids by 28, buy a house by 30), the roots of my fears, and how to have faith in and trust myself. How to really dig deep, even when I'd thought I had dug the deepest there was to go. It's exactly as you say, that moment and mode of "[locking] in." It also reminded me of a really powerful memory that I haven't thought about in a little while: my trek up a mountain in Peru, at over 12,700 ft elevation, in the rain and mud and cold and snow. 99.9% of me wanted to give up, but there was .1% that told me to keep going. I listened, and I made it to the destination. It was such an incredible, near indescribable feeling, a rush. Thank you for bringing back that memory.