A pastor at a church in my hometown once said “if the devil can’t get your to hit the breaks in your life he will get you to slam the gas peddle to the floor” … she wasn’t your North Star; the creativity she encapsulated was. Slow and steady wins the race. No one human can “make you happy” you have to follow your star. Seek creativity in a more practical and grounded way and the love will follow. I hope this comment finds you well. Thanks for sharing this. It was a phenomenal read. Also as a fellow creative and romantic; it’s extremely easy for me to project a life that “could be” with a human. I’m getting to know onto them instead of accepting them at face value… I’ve learned over the last few years that a slow burn love is actually the truest form. There’s an old teaching, wanna say it’s from Gandhi but don’t quote me on that; that talks about when you first fall in love if your heart starts to quicken and then you get butterflies in your stomach that’s not love. True love feels calm. Makes you sleepy. Your shoulders relax. You feel at peace. The type of love that lasts isn’t all passion and steamy sex. Although those things are nice. It’s about friendship. If emotion and love was enough to keep a relationship lasting forever;I would’ve stayed with ex. But true compatibility also comes with goals. Morals. A similar outlook in life. It’s OK to have differences, but it’s not OK to sacrifice your morals for “love”.
I personally don’t actually believe in the devil or good vs evil. I believe that god/ the universe is inherently neutral. But the quote still speaks to me in a really profound way. Basically what I got from it is in life you have multiple Avenue as you can choose, and free will, however, I believe all humans have a purpose and your purpose is tied into your passions. I believe that their energies that will try to steer you off course via two means. The first is by temping you to quit what your doing and stop pursuing your dreams; the second is by getting you too pursue it so heavily that you let everything else fall to the waist side. You jump on the hydronic treadmill, and you forget why you were chasing to begin with…. That’s what the quote means to me. I’d be curious to know how you interpreted it. I also think that the “devil” is a phenomenal teacher aswell. So is karmic energy. There are no wrong paths in life. No bad choices just harder ones. Some of us stubborn souls need to go to the school of hard knocks. We work our healing through falling towards temptation and through stumbling that’s just as valid of a path as though who walk the straight and narrow.
Reading this put a smile on my face, for the fact that I was just planning my trip to a country I haven't been to before, with the inspiration of a person. I resonate with falling into a trap of shiny ideas; however, as I become more aware of my delusions, I started to see it rather as carving a story by following up on an adventure. That side of me—or you—may seem like a villain because of the disappointment we have after an unexpected turn of a story. But I think it is just the little adventurous child within us, looking for shiny, different things against the dull environment or our comfort zone. That child is looking for a narrative, and that's why I believe every adventure counts as long as we come back home safe.
There is no right amount of balance between our adventurous inner child and the parenting side. I think it is a unique journey to develop a relationship between those two for everyone, just like how it is different and unique for each parent and their child. ♥️ I hope it makes sense.
This is a really well written comment on a really great essay 🙏
It's like you said, at the end of the day - both delusional and real you have different perspectives but they both long for adventures.
The real you might take a "safer and slower" route like learning a new language - while the delusional you wants you to jump head-first into the entire culture and country of that language without thinking about the negatives it might bring
Thank you for the contribution! Indeed, we need both approaches—slow and deep/quick and strong—in different moments in life. I trust our intuition as human beings; our mind and body know which one is needed in the moment or periods in life to keep us safe while expanding. Especially when we are stuck in a place, or a state of mind that limits our growth, those strong pulls towards the opposite (what may seem like) direction in such a short amount of time is what we need to get out of that “mud pit” to get going.
It reminds me of advice I have read about adopting a puppy (I'm looking into it).
They say not to adopt the puppy before 6 weeks because in the first weeks the mom has to show the puppy not to bite or be too rough with the others and to control itself basically.
Our familial environments teach us what is acceptable to ask for and how much to strive for or what is "normal". I often think of Michael Jordan, Simone Biles and other people whose early childhoods shaped their appetite for life and success since I'm pretty sure that happened to me too lol
I’m experiencing a situation where I wasn’t initially drawn to the idea of a person. I kept seeing them because they made the effort, and deep down I enjoyed their company and presence, or really the consistency and availability they offered. Growing up in a state of emotional warfare—with my parents constantly suing each other and putting me and my sister in the middle—it’s safe to say I’m used to chaos. I find myself attracted to people who offer that same sense of unpredictability and inconsistency. However, pursing this genre of people hasn’t work well this far… and ideally, eventually we learn from situations. So, I decided to give myself the chance to be with someone who contrasts everything that’s comfortable from my childhood, even though it didn’t feel “right” at first, or I didn’t initially feel that “spark.” For the first time in my life, I feel nurtured, rather than whipping out my set of tools to deal with someone’s emotional highs and lows. It’s such a beautiful feeling, and I’m so grateful that I can reflect and try different paths.
I felt so represented in this reflection of yours... To all of your thoughts to which I genuinely agree, I would add something more. I feel there is something else that makes it possible for us seek these crazy experiences, apart from the desire to HAVE things that might make us happy, and it is the fact that some of us believe we are capable of almost anything if we want it very hard! (Like building a relationship with someone who loves drugs and partying when you don't at all). And while this is a thought that may bring us to incredible places, people and adventures, it can also bring us to spots where we don't feel comfortable at all, and then we acknowledge that we are actually NOT capable of being in that specific spots. Why? Cause we are limited. So when I have experiences such as yours with the freckles girl, I then come back home and think "well... there you have your human limit. You are a limited human being after all". And I think these limits are so important and beneficial to show us our own way, which doesn't have to be the same one from the freckles girl or anyone else...
I really like the first part of this, the idea of being someone who tries really hard and how that can take you all kinds of places. For the second part, I guess instead of using the word "limited" I'd just say "that didn't work for me". I say this because I feel there are so many other directions in which I'm pushing my limits, growing, expanding, discovering new things, and so I don't know if we're as limited as we maybe think as human beings. That being said, there are definitely things I am discovering I don't tolerate and that's fine. Not everything is worth trying really hard for and that's fine.
This piece resonates deeply with me. After graduating college I moved to NYC to work in finance. I partook in all the things a person in their 20s “should” want and do—nice restaurants, bars and clubs, house parties—but felt a stranger in my own life. As you’ve named, we must experience our delusions first to see through them. And while they may not serve The Real You, they serve to bring you home to yourself.
David Foster Wallace had a similar quote: “The ultimate way you and I get lucky is if you have some success early in life, you get to find out early it doesn’t mean anything.”
I consider it an act of Grace for both of these to unfold early in life.
Thanks for the piece — I really enjoy your writing! :)
This is where I think Søren Kierkegaard helps us to interpret our own condition. We obsess over the 'self' in relation to our desires, and constant wants. However, when we do so, we actually move further and further away from a knowledge of the self that truly grounds us. And this, he describes, is despair. We all suffer from despair in some capacity because we fail often to know the self 'itself'. We can be ourselves without knowing the 'self' that we are, somewhat contained in us, and AS us, but simultaneously departing from us.
He talks about the self's 'total dependence' when we desire that which is not the self - things like material goods. Hence, the constant desire for more stuff, for the 'perfect' thing. Perhaps that will make our 'selves' grounded? But no. Rather, this brings us to greater and greater despair, he says.
This also brings another type of despair. The despair to be oneself, but the inability to know how, because we are creatures who chase, rather than creatures who 'are', or who 'be' the selves that we actually possess.
So, Nathaniel is completely correct. Watch as we chase things, and have things, and the capacity for the self to enjoy them fleets. It disappears. Because we do not know the self, nor are we satisfied in the self. We despair to know it, but we struggle to.
This really struck a chord with me. The idea of the Delusional You versus the Real You is something we all face. I’ve spent too much time chasing things I thought would make me happy, only to realize that true joy comes from the simple, unforced moments.
I loved your story about Berlin; it’s relatable. We often ignore the warning signs until it’s too late, but those experiences teach us so much about ourselves.
Your reflections have made me rethink what I’m pursuing and if it’ll really bring happiness. I’m looking forward to hearing more, and I love the voice notes idea!
I see it as "heart" and "brain" you's for some time, and you can't live life appeasing only one to try and suffocate the other, in order to reach that mythical forever-happy or perfect state. Balancing both is the life-long journey
Thank you for sharing this! Sometimes our delusional self is really loud and does not let us enjoy our present... And sometimes I wonder why is it always screaming for attention and does not let me “settle down" to a “normal" life... But I think the beatuy lies in the balance between giving her the attention that needs by being as present as someone can be in the moment, letting her know that, dreams are nice! But the present is one of the most beautiful things we could ever have, because each of them are little steps to get to our dreams eventually. Idk if this made sense but I resonated a lot with your essay and it was lovely to listen your voice while reading it, it was like chatting with a friend. Again, thank you!☺️
When you mentioned during our video call at the Lisbon meetup that Berlin/Germany is negatively connotated for you since you went there in summer, I was wondering what happened :D While reading the essay I was like "Aaah, now that makes sense" xD.
For me the theme that resonated was actually not the "delusional you" and "pursuit of happiness" but the disconnection from oneself in order to pursue (or keep) a connection with somebody else.
As you said, you drank way more than you actually would to keep up with her, you went to the party where you probably normally would not have gone (and maybe there were other situations before that, where you abandoned integral parts of yourself in order to foster connection with freckles) and then you snapped out of it when the discomfort of being disconnected from yourself became to big.
I think we have to go through moments of disconnection from self to be able to experience what inner unity and being in touch with oneself feels like.
I, too, disconnected from myself in past relationships for the sake of the connection to the other person. It surely never worked out.
"Delusional Me is a loud motherfucker, he has a lot of ideas and I often fall for them." This line made me laugh out loud, for real. It will stay with me internally in moments I need to hear it. Thanks Nathaniel. 🙂
This was fascinating to read, and I think a natural struggle of the human condition. I relate so much to the duality you speak of. I'm Jewish, and in Judaism we believe that we are made up of two-- our physical side, and our spiritual side, and they are constantly at odds with one another. It's our job on this earth to merge them, and unify our dual sides. It's why so much of my culture is based off of things that seem to be so physical-- so much food and eating, so many holidays, so many physical rituals-- because we're meant to take these physical things and elevate them to the spiritual-- so that they mean something. It's very much like what you mentioned with your essay about kissing last week. A kiss can be just a kiss, or you can elevate it into something so powerful, it transcends itself.
Right now, I find myself chasing the foundations of a happy life: living in a city where I feel at home, working on what brings me fulfillment and others value, and a general sense of independence. To this point, I am finding myself delusionally optimistic (with a big dose of stress mixed in).
This is to say that delusion is present at ALL stages of life. You can be delusional when you don’t have anything or when you have it all.
I loved this Nathan, definitely gave me some ideas for my own creative work and newsletter :)
A pastor at a church in my hometown once said “if the devil can’t get your to hit the breaks in your life he will get you to slam the gas peddle to the floor” … she wasn’t your North Star; the creativity she encapsulated was. Slow and steady wins the race. No one human can “make you happy” you have to follow your star. Seek creativity in a more practical and grounded way and the love will follow. I hope this comment finds you well. Thanks for sharing this. It was a phenomenal read. Also as a fellow creative and romantic; it’s extremely easy for me to project a life that “could be” with a human. I’m getting to know onto them instead of accepting them at face value… I’ve learned over the last few years that a slow burn love is actually the truest form. There’s an old teaching, wanna say it’s from Gandhi but don’t quote me on that; that talks about when you first fall in love if your heart starts to quicken and then you get butterflies in your stomach that’s not love. True love feels calm. Makes you sleepy. Your shoulders relax. You feel at peace. The type of love that lasts isn’t all passion and steamy sex. Although those things are nice. It’s about friendship. If emotion and love was enough to keep a relationship lasting forever;I would’ve stayed with ex. But true compatibility also comes with goals. Morals. A similar outlook in life. It’s OK to have differences, but it’s not OK to sacrifice your morals for “love”.
Wow what a great quote. If truly this is how the devil works, then he can be a really great teacher.
Wonderful thoughts, thanks for sharing!
I personally don’t actually believe in the devil or good vs evil. I believe that god/ the universe is inherently neutral. But the quote still speaks to me in a really profound way. Basically what I got from it is in life you have multiple Avenue as you can choose, and free will, however, I believe all humans have a purpose and your purpose is tied into your passions. I believe that their energies that will try to steer you off course via two means. The first is by temping you to quit what your doing and stop pursuing your dreams; the second is by getting you too pursue it so heavily that you let everything else fall to the waist side. You jump on the hydronic treadmill, and you forget why you were chasing to begin with…. That’s what the quote means to me. I’d be curious to know how you interpreted it. I also think that the “devil” is a phenomenal teacher aswell. So is karmic energy. There are no wrong paths in life. No bad choices just harder ones. Some of us stubborn souls need to go to the school of hard knocks. We work our healing through falling towards temptation and through stumbling that’s just as valid of a path as though who walk the straight and narrow.
Reading this put a smile on my face, for the fact that I was just planning my trip to a country I haven't been to before, with the inspiration of a person. I resonate with falling into a trap of shiny ideas; however, as I become more aware of my delusions, I started to see it rather as carving a story by following up on an adventure. That side of me—or you—may seem like a villain because of the disappointment we have after an unexpected turn of a story. But I think it is just the little adventurous child within us, looking for shiny, different things against the dull environment or our comfort zone. That child is looking for a narrative, and that's why I believe every adventure counts as long as we come back home safe.
There is no right amount of balance between our adventurous inner child and the parenting side. I think it is a unique journey to develop a relationship between those two for everyone, just like how it is different and unique for each parent and their child. ♥️ I hope it makes sense.
This is a really well written comment on a really great essay 🙏
It's like you said, at the end of the day - both delusional and real you have different perspectives but they both long for adventures.
The real you might take a "safer and slower" route like learning a new language - while the delusional you wants you to jump head-first into the entire culture and country of that language without thinking about the negatives it might bring
Thank you for the contribution! Indeed, we need both approaches—slow and deep/quick and strong—in different moments in life. I trust our intuition as human beings; our mind and body know which one is needed in the moment or periods in life to keep us safe while expanding. Especially when we are stuck in a place, or a state of mind that limits our growth, those strong pulls towards the opposite (what may seem like) direction in such a short amount of time is what we need to get out of that “mud pit” to get going.
It reminds me of advice I have read about adopting a puppy (I'm looking into it).
They say not to adopt the puppy before 6 weeks because in the first weeks the mom has to show the puppy not to bite or be too rough with the others and to control itself basically.
Our familial environments teach us what is acceptable to ask for and how much to strive for or what is "normal". I often think of Michael Jordan, Simone Biles and other people whose early childhoods shaped their appetite for life and success since I'm pretty sure that happened to me too lol
I’m experiencing a situation where I wasn’t initially drawn to the idea of a person. I kept seeing them because they made the effort, and deep down I enjoyed their company and presence, or really the consistency and availability they offered. Growing up in a state of emotional warfare—with my parents constantly suing each other and putting me and my sister in the middle—it’s safe to say I’m used to chaos. I find myself attracted to people who offer that same sense of unpredictability and inconsistency. However, pursing this genre of people hasn’t work well this far… and ideally, eventually we learn from situations. So, I decided to give myself the chance to be with someone who contrasts everything that’s comfortable from my childhood, even though it didn’t feel “right” at first, or I didn’t initially feel that “spark.” For the first time in my life, I feel nurtured, rather than whipping out my set of tools to deal with someone’s emotional highs and lows. It’s such a beautiful feeling, and I’m so grateful that I can reflect and try different paths.
That is beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
I felt so represented in this reflection of yours... To all of your thoughts to which I genuinely agree, I would add something more. I feel there is something else that makes it possible for us seek these crazy experiences, apart from the desire to HAVE things that might make us happy, and it is the fact that some of us believe we are capable of almost anything if we want it very hard! (Like building a relationship with someone who loves drugs and partying when you don't at all). And while this is a thought that may bring us to incredible places, people and adventures, it can also bring us to spots where we don't feel comfortable at all, and then we acknowledge that we are actually NOT capable of being in that specific spots. Why? Cause we are limited. So when I have experiences such as yours with the freckles girl, I then come back home and think "well... there you have your human limit. You are a limited human being after all". And I think these limits are so important and beneficial to show us our own way, which doesn't have to be the same one from the freckles girl or anyone else...
I really like the first part of this, the idea of being someone who tries really hard and how that can take you all kinds of places. For the second part, I guess instead of using the word "limited" I'd just say "that didn't work for me". I say this because I feel there are so many other directions in which I'm pushing my limits, growing, expanding, discovering new things, and so I don't know if we're as limited as we maybe think as human beings. That being said, there are definitely things I am discovering I don't tolerate and that's fine. Not everything is worth trying really hard for and that's fine.
I agree, that way of looking at it sounds way better :)
This piece resonates deeply with me. After graduating college I moved to NYC to work in finance. I partook in all the things a person in their 20s “should” want and do—nice restaurants, bars and clubs, house parties—but felt a stranger in my own life. As you’ve named, we must experience our delusions first to see through them. And while they may not serve The Real You, they serve to bring you home to yourself.
David Foster Wallace had a similar quote: “The ultimate way you and I get lucky is if you have some success early in life, you get to find out early it doesn’t mean anything.”
I consider it an act of Grace for both of these to unfold early in life.
Thanks for the piece — I really enjoy your writing! :)
1000%.
This is where I think Søren Kierkegaard helps us to interpret our own condition. We obsess over the 'self' in relation to our desires, and constant wants. However, when we do so, we actually move further and further away from a knowledge of the self that truly grounds us. And this, he describes, is despair. We all suffer from despair in some capacity because we fail often to know the self 'itself'. We can be ourselves without knowing the 'self' that we are, somewhat contained in us, and AS us, but simultaneously departing from us.
He talks about the self's 'total dependence' when we desire that which is not the self - things like material goods. Hence, the constant desire for more stuff, for the 'perfect' thing. Perhaps that will make our 'selves' grounded? But no. Rather, this brings us to greater and greater despair, he says.
This also brings another type of despair. The despair to be oneself, but the inability to know how, because we are creatures who chase, rather than creatures who 'are', or who 'be' the selves that we actually possess.
So, Nathaniel is completely correct. Watch as we chase things, and have things, and the capacity for the self to enjoy them fleets. It disappears. Because we do not know the self, nor are we satisfied in the self. We despair to know it, but we struggle to.
Yes Kierkegaard had so many great thoughts on this!!
Hey Nathaniel,
This really struck a chord with me. The idea of the Delusional You versus the Real You is something we all face. I’ve spent too much time chasing things I thought would make me happy, only to realize that true joy comes from the simple, unforced moments.
I loved your story about Berlin; it’s relatable. We often ignore the warning signs until it’s too late, but those experiences teach us so much about ourselves.
Your reflections have made me rethink what I’m pursuing and if it’ll really bring happiness. I’m looking forward to hearing more, and I love the voice notes idea!
Thanks for sharing.
Take care,
Neon!
Hi Neon, thank you so much for the kind words!!
I see it as "heart" and "brain" you's for some time, and you can't live life appeasing only one to try and suffocate the other, in order to reach that mythical forever-happy or perfect state. Balancing both is the life-long journey
Head vs. Heart is another one of the confusing conflicts that humans must navigate that I plan to write about.
This was so fun to read. As always, thank you for writing.
I'm very grateful to read this. Thanks for taking the time.
Your insights about life are just breath taking! I need to learn how to story tell like this! Thank you for sharing! <3
Thank you Bábara!
Thank you for sharing this! Sometimes our delusional self is really loud and does not let us enjoy our present... And sometimes I wonder why is it always screaming for attention and does not let me “settle down" to a “normal" life... But I think the beatuy lies in the balance between giving her the attention that needs by being as present as someone can be in the moment, letting her know that, dreams are nice! But the present is one of the most beautiful things we could ever have, because each of them are little steps to get to our dreams eventually. Idk if this made sense but I resonated a lot with your essay and it was lovely to listen your voice while reading it, it was like chatting with a friend. Again, thank you!☺️
I'm glad to hear you liked the audio recording, I'll do those more often!!
In a parallel universe, she made me happy.
You can read/listen to my latest post!
https://substack.com/home/post/p-156660548
I send her a trumpet kiss.🎺
I read your post Paula, nicely done! Crazy the parallel of the photos but the difference in situations...
When you mentioned during our video call at the Lisbon meetup that Berlin/Germany is negatively connotated for you since you went there in summer, I was wondering what happened :D While reading the essay I was like "Aaah, now that makes sense" xD.
For me the theme that resonated was actually not the "delusional you" and "pursuit of happiness" but the disconnection from oneself in order to pursue (or keep) a connection with somebody else.
As you said, you drank way more than you actually would to keep up with her, you went to the party where you probably normally would not have gone (and maybe there were other situations before that, where you abandoned integral parts of yourself in order to foster connection with freckles) and then you snapped out of it when the discomfort of being disconnected from yourself became to big.
I think we have to go through moments of disconnection from self to be able to experience what inner unity and being in touch with oneself feels like.
I, too, disconnected from myself in past relationships for the sake of the connection to the other person. It surely never worked out.
Yup, you're putting two and two together...!
I agree, I think there were multiple layers to this, different threads I think I'll explore more deeply in the future.
"Delusional Me is a loud motherfucker, he has a lot of ideas and I often fall for them." This line made me laugh out loud, for real. It will stay with me internally in moments I need to hear it. Thanks Nathaniel. 🙂
Thanks Raina :)
This was fascinating to read, and I think a natural struggle of the human condition. I relate so much to the duality you speak of. I'm Jewish, and in Judaism we believe that we are made up of two-- our physical side, and our spiritual side, and they are constantly at odds with one another. It's our job on this earth to merge them, and unify our dual sides. It's why so much of my culture is based off of things that seem to be so physical-- so much food and eating, so many holidays, so many physical rituals-- because we're meant to take these physical things and elevate them to the spiritual-- so that they mean something. It's very much like what you mentioned with your essay about kissing last week. A kiss can be just a kiss, or you can elevate it into something so powerful, it transcends itself.
Thank you for the reflective comment Batsheva, and thank you for taking the time to read!
Right now, I find myself chasing the foundations of a happy life: living in a city where I feel at home, working on what brings me fulfillment and others value, and a general sense of independence. To this point, I am finding myself delusionally optimistic (with a big dose of stress mixed in).
This is to say that delusion is present at ALL stages of life. You can be delusional when you don’t have anything or when you have it all.
I loved this Nathan, definitely gave me some ideas for my own creative work and newsletter :)
Exactly!!