I do completely understand the sentiment of this but I also have a slightly different perspective of saying I love you. My best friend has a tattoo on the back of her neck that says “it’s always necessary” people ask her what it means and she says “it’s important to tell people you love them. And how important that are to you” she got the tattoo after her brother (my ex) commuted suicide. In highschool I had 5 different friends die suddenly and unexpectedly. Some in car accidents, some from sickness, some loosing their battle with mental illness. I think in todays culture we make affection taboo, I think platonic friends should cuddle, should hug, should say “I love you as often as humanly possible” when Willy passed the last thing I said to him was a statement out of annoyance. I wasn’t “in love with him” he was far from my forever person. But I did have a very very deep well of love for him. Now I wish I would’ve ended the phone call with “I love you.” Even if I’m mad I now say “hey I’m pissed but I love you”. When my friends leave I hug them and say “I love you” even their partners. Even the clients I work with I tell them I love them. You aren’t promised tomorrow so in my opinion it’s always necessary.
I loved this. I sometimes struggle with saying I love you, or in general verbally expressing compliments on someone else. And I feel terribly bad sometimes when I'm around friends who verbally show me their affection to me, cause there is like a wall stopping me from being reciprocal.
So I try to tear that wall down, and say it, cause I mean it.
It’s so important. Remember there’s also a million silent “I LOVE YOU’S” on days when you’re non verbal. Gift giving, touch, words of affirmation, quality time also just KNOWING someone deeply. I think that’s the most important love language. To know someone deeply. To take time to learn their favorite everything and what triggers them and what comforts them. My best friend Alex is fantastic at this. When ever we hang out she’ll play some of my favorite music on the radio and roll down all the windows even though it’s not her usual music taste. She keeps my favorite snacks at her house and she avoids certain environments or conversations that she knows triggers my childhood trauma. That’s SUCH an underrated Ilove you. To be seen and appreciated so clearly. It’s super important to tell them but also remember to show them and be around people who show you too. You’re deserving of BIG love
I was about to write out “I loved this” but then I caught myself. It really is funny how automatic our responses can be. Things like love and death— typically serious matters— have been trivialized to the point of not meaning anything. “I’m gonna kill myself” has been adopted by Gen Z as a way to express annoyance at any minor inconvenience, and I think that Argentines use this phrase too. Thanks for sharing as always, Nathaniel :)
In Italian "Ti amo" has a very clear and deep meaning, only for your loved one (I mean, not to say to friends, relatives ecc. ...). Maybe teenagers say that quite lightly but as adult with "Ti amo" you are really starting a relationship.
But besides the meaning and power of words we have to learn to be honest with ourselves first and, yes, then choose them wisely 😅.
Thank you for sharing, Nathaniel. This is an impactful essay. For me, I actually feel words deeper in Arabic, which I'm currently studying, than in my native language, English. Maybe because it is like you said so many words like "love" in English are used for too many things. Keep writing. I'm excited to read your book.
The intentionality of words works both way. In also being intentional in saying the things you do mean. With losing many loved one's at a young age knowing there was nothing left unsaid provided a sense of closure. Treating every conversation like it could be my last with a person is very intentional.
Connotation of words I love exploring this also when I travel. I feel like it has made me better at dealing with ignorance at home. When faced with unintentional ignorance instead of being offended I find I default into education mode. Which leads to an open conversation. when faced with intensional ignorance I would instinctively react in a more aggressive manner that would immediately close down a conversation. By reminding myself my connotation might not be another's its done more to address issues.
Through education comes understanding, through understanding come empathy, through empathy comes change.
This is a massive pet peeve of mine. Growing up with an English teacher mother and a father who studied linguistics in college meant the phrase "precision of language" was thrown around quite regularly and rules around language that sometimes felt excessively pedantic were the norm. Now? I appreciate the importance "precision of language" and it drives me up the wall when I'm dealing with coworkers and friends who don't see it the same. In the grand scheme of things, it's really not that important, but my poor brain has decided it is 😂
I felt that deeply. It reminds me of when I was little and constantly said “Te amo!” To everyone when I would visit back home. Te amo is deep versus it’s more casual counterpart “te quiero” I suppose or depends on where you are in America Latina. At this point when I truly love someone. I want to reiterate how much they inspire me, and how much I respect them, or how much I trust them. Of course it sounds more intentional in Spanish. Which now makes me think. Have a I truly loved anyone in a Romantic sense at all? I am guilty of throwing the word love around with my friends and even maybe with lovers, hard to tell if they were ever sincere with me. I love hard, and when i say it, I never care if it’s reciprocated. Thank you for this message lots to think about!
i was thinking something similar because in English you can think that “I like you” = te quiero” in Spanish but I think it’s not… “me gustas” = “I like you” and “ I love you” is “te amo”
so that leaves like an ‘empty’ space in English for “te quiero” -
because at least for me “I like you” is a bit null to describe your feelings for someone - “te quiero y te amo” have a bit more depth to it…but I’m curious to know if others think the same or is “te quiero” y “te amo” are the same thing
i loved this read Nathan! The conversation around the word "I love you" always reminds me of the differences we also have in Spanish. We have "te amo" and "te quiero" which are drastically different.
I also had a german boyfriend. We had an english (70%), german (25%), spanish (5%) language relationship. And I still remember that saying "i love you" felt much less important than saying "ich habe dich lieb" or "the quiero". For him, the german way of saying it meant so much more. For me, the Spanish way.
There is something about communicating in our own language that makes expresing feelings much more meaningful, even if you can speak several languages perfectly.
Once more, a sign that mother tongues are a huge part of our identity and authenticity.
I totally agree. I am Bulgarian and feel it extremely hard to say it in my language. In English people are used to say I love you to everything.
Ones I felt like I had to answer back so that it’s not awkward but everything snowballed from there (also a learning experience) so the best is to really save it when it feels right.
Learning a language is like going through life. It is not a "long fleuve tranquille". One will feel ashamed many times and it is OK. La honte ne tue pas. There are so many truths in this universe...if you want to say I love you say it...it is also OK if the person you are saying it to cannot accept it at that moment and the beauty of 2 persons from different cultural backgrounds meeting is that they will learn from each other and change their perspective for sure.
It’s funny. I dated a German girl for about two weeks, and we were pretty quick to say 'I love you' every night we talked. She was from Berlin—maybe that’s just how it is there! Haha.
A real one. How long should we linger in relationships when knowing our feeling doesn’t match partner’s? I feel numb and guilty. I want them to find someone who truly loves them. It feels weird to say it to him… but I’ve been thinking “I want you to find someone else” the responsibility of having to be the one who loves him is overwhelming.
Really enjoyed your latest correspondence, thank you, let's have more of that! Also, like you, I believe in the meaning and power of words BUT. Not an academic, but "I love you", in any language, could mean as much in words depending on the type of person but I could be wrong. Einstein did go on to do great things and languages have different contextual meaningins in translation to others so. To me, it's not the words themselves, it's the intention and sincerity behind it. You have love for her but have not reached a true love level yet and maybe not ever and that's okay. Stay true to yourself and others.
I do completely understand the sentiment of this but I also have a slightly different perspective of saying I love you. My best friend has a tattoo on the back of her neck that says “it’s always necessary” people ask her what it means and she says “it’s important to tell people you love them. And how important that are to you” she got the tattoo after her brother (my ex) commuted suicide. In highschool I had 5 different friends die suddenly and unexpectedly. Some in car accidents, some from sickness, some loosing their battle with mental illness. I think in todays culture we make affection taboo, I think platonic friends should cuddle, should hug, should say “I love you as often as humanly possible” when Willy passed the last thing I said to him was a statement out of annoyance. I wasn’t “in love with him” he was far from my forever person. But I did have a very very deep well of love for him. Now I wish I would’ve ended the phone call with “I love you.” Even if I’m mad I now say “hey I’m pissed but I love you”. When my friends leave I hug them and say “I love you” even their partners. Even the clients I work with I tell them I love them. You aren’t promised tomorrow so in my opinion it’s always necessary.
I loved this. I sometimes struggle with saying I love you, or in general verbally expressing compliments on someone else. And I feel terribly bad sometimes when I'm around friends who verbally show me their affection to me, cause there is like a wall stopping me from being reciprocal.
So I try to tear that wall down, and say it, cause I mean it.
As you said, a tomorrow is never promised
It’s so important. Remember there’s also a million silent “I LOVE YOU’S” on days when you’re non verbal. Gift giving, touch, words of affirmation, quality time also just KNOWING someone deeply. I think that’s the most important love language. To know someone deeply. To take time to learn their favorite everything and what triggers them and what comforts them. My best friend Alex is fantastic at this. When ever we hang out she’ll play some of my favorite music on the radio and roll down all the windows even though it’s not her usual music taste. She keeps my favorite snacks at her house and she avoids certain environments or conversations that she knows triggers my childhood trauma. That’s SUCH an underrated Ilove you. To be seen and appreciated so clearly. It’s super important to tell them but also remember to show them and be around people who show you too. You’re deserving of BIG love
I was about to write out “I loved this” but then I caught myself. It really is funny how automatic our responses can be. Things like love and death— typically serious matters— have been trivialized to the point of not meaning anything. “I’m gonna kill myself” has been adopted by Gen Z as a way to express annoyance at any minor inconvenience, and I think that Argentines use this phrase too. Thanks for sharing as always, Nathaniel :)
In Italian "Ti amo" has a very clear and deep meaning, only for your loved one (I mean, not to say to friends, relatives ecc. ...). Maybe teenagers say that quite lightly but as adult with "Ti amo" you are really starting a relationship.
But besides the meaning and power of words we have to learn to be honest with ourselves first and, yes, then choose them wisely 😅.
Thank you for this post!
Thank you for sharing, Nathaniel. This is an impactful essay. For me, I actually feel words deeper in Arabic, which I'm currently studying, than in my native language, English. Maybe because it is like you said so many words like "love" in English are used for too many things. Keep writing. I'm excited to read your book.
The intentionality of words works both way. In also being intentional in saying the things you do mean. With losing many loved one's at a young age knowing there was nothing left unsaid provided a sense of closure. Treating every conversation like it could be my last with a person is very intentional.
Connotation of words I love exploring this also when I travel. I feel like it has made me better at dealing with ignorance at home. When faced with unintentional ignorance instead of being offended I find I default into education mode. Which leads to an open conversation. when faced with intensional ignorance I would instinctively react in a more aggressive manner that would immediately close down a conversation. By reminding myself my connotation might not be another's its done more to address issues.
Through education comes understanding, through understanding come empathy, through empathy comes change.
Thank you for that comment! I really like how you articulated this idea , I know it really motivates me to improve my communication.
This is a massive pet peeve of mine. Growing up with an English teacher mother and a father who studied linguistics in college meant the phrase "precision of language" was thrown around quite regularly and rules around language that sometimes felt excessively pedantic were the norm. Now? I appreciate the importance "precision of language" and it drives me up the wall when I'm dealing with coworkers and friends who don't see it the same. In the grand scheme of things, it's really not that important, but my poor brain has decided it is 😂
I felt that deeply. It reminds me of when I was little and constantly said “Te amo!” To everyone when I would visit back home. Te amo is deep versus it’s more casual counterpart “te quiero” I suppose or depends on where you are in America Latina. At this point when I truly love someone. I want to reiterate how much they inspire me, and how much I respect them, or how much I trust them. Of course it sounds more intentional in Spanish. Which now makes me think. Have a I truly loved anyone in a Romantic sense at all? I am guilty of throwing the word love around with my friends and even maybe with lovers, hard to tell if they were ever sincere with me. I love hard, and when i say it, I never care if it’s reciprocated. Thank you for this message lots to think about!
i was thinking something similar because in English you can think that “I like you” = te quiero” in Spanish but I think it’s not… “me gustas” = “I like you” and “ I love you” is “te amo”
so that leaves like an ‘empty’ space in English for “te quiero” -
because at least for me “I like you” is a bit null to describe your feelings for someone - “te quiero y te amo” have a bit more depth to it…but I’m curious to know if others think the same or is “te quiero” y “te amo” are the same thing
i loved this read Nathan! The conversation around the word "I love you" always reminds me of the differences we also have in Spanish. We have "te amo" and "te quiero" which are drastically different.
I also had a german boyfriend. We had an english (70%), german (25%), spanish (5%) language relationship. And I still remember that saying "i love you" felt much less important than saying "ich habe dich lieb" or "the quiero". For him, the german way of saying it meant so much more. For me, the Spanish way.
There is something about communicating in our own language that makes expresing feelings much more meaningful, even if you can speak several languages perfectly.
Once more, a sign that mother tongues are a huge part of our identity and authenticity.
I totally agree. I am Bulgarian and feel it extremely hard to say it in my language. In English people are used to say I love you to everything.
Ones I felt like I had to answer back so that it’s not awkward but everything snowballed from there (also a learning experience) so the best is to really save it when it feels right.
Beautiful insights on the topic :)
Learning a language is like going through life. It is not a "long fleuve tranquille". One will feel ashamed many times and it is OK. La honte ne tue pas. There are so many truths in this universe...if you want to say I love you say it...it is also OK if the person you are saying it to cannot accept it at that moment and the beauty of 2 persons from different cultural backgrounds meeting is that they will learn from each other and change their perspective for sure.
It’s funny. I dated a German girl for about two weeks, and we were pretty quick to say 'I love you' every night we talked. She was from Berlin—maybe that’s just how it is there! Haha.
As a German - I do agree with it! Ha!
Love from London!
Totally agree! Being honest with ourselves and others is key. Ser transparentes como decimos en español.
It’s really fun to see those differences in words, but what I enjoy the most are proverbs in different languages 😊
A real one. How long should we linger in relationships when knowing our feeling doesn’t match partner’s? I feel numb and guilty. I want them to find someone who truly loves them. It feels weird to say it to him… but I’ve been thinking “I want you to find someone else” the responsibility of having to be the one who loves him is overwhelming.
Really enjoyed your latest correspondence, thank you, let's have more of that! Also, like you, I believe in the meaning and power of words BUT. Not an academic, but "I love you", in any language, could mean as much in words depending on the type of person but I could be wrong. Einstein did go on to do great things and languages have different contextual meaningins in translation to others so. To me, it's not the words themselves, it's the intention and sincerity behind it. You have love for her but have not reached a true love level yet and maybe not ever and that's okay. Stay true to yourself and others.